Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
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Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me: