bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Admin smashed it 😂
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.