Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
You Might Also Like
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.