My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
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A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?