“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
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“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.