Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
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*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Goat cheese is for herders.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?