*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
You Might Also Like
#oldknees
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER