It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
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ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Incredible customer service.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
#SaturdayBears
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Not today.. 😂
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Anyone want a chair?
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
🙁
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?