If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
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*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
No chill.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed