Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
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Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive