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God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
best review i’ve ever seen
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
They grow up so quick
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months