banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
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Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
This sounds bad:
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
🌱🌱🌱
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.