People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
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Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt