me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
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It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Whoa… oh I see lol
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT