Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
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People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.