Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
A wise man once said nothing.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
house sitting!
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Meow
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My dating profile:
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)