Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
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If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
My dress code is business-casualty.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.