Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
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What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”