Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
You Might Also Like
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.