What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
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Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Life with a cat in one tweet
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage