Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
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Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!