“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
You Might Also Like
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that