Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
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[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping