he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
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My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
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Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose