To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
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Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?