Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
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I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house