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Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.