Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
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He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”