A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
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Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.