I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
cats when you pet them too long:
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.