Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
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Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.