Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
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Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Oh no