My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
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ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
also my go-to takeaway order
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I’m not stressed
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?