Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
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[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
never deleting this app.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.