I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
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Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840