a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
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when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians