RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
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My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
prepare for carbonated trouble
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall