Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
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Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
This is amazing.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it