When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
the three branches of government
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!