me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
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Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
The big book of baby names but for safe words
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t