Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
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[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Cake safety first. Always.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
#gardening
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
My neck, my back, my…
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.