Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
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@ candidates for local office
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Best spoiler warning ever
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees