i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
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[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner: