I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
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Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Yes, but it was never about money
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…