On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
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I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”