I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!