*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.