definitely did not do anything wrong
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Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!