I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
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[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
“I’m helping” 😅
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”