I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
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I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
🤣😈🤣
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances